This weekend I tried something new, said 'yes' and spent a quiet weekend in Bridlington on a writing retreat. I am not a writer; nor do I particularly aspire to write creatively at this point in time. But I do want to spend time trying new things, to learn how to embrace and be creative when I have quiet time with 'me'.
I have never lived alone. Parents, shared houses at university, living with a boyfriend who became a husband, then children and more recently a puppy has meant that I am not accustomed to periods of sustained 'quiet'. And I am not sure what to do with it when I do. So I often 'waste' it. Not in the sense of filling the time being busy and productive, but by forgetting to value it and to use it 'for me'. That could be reading a book, having a snooze in front of the telly or in the back room with the sun on my face, or dropping in and having a cuppa with a friend. Instead, it comes with a self imposed feeling of guilt, or a feeling of hanging around, or frustration at having used it to do jobs that could have waited or maybe not be done at all.
For some time I have felt that I am transitioning to a different phase of life. My role as a mum has shifted to one of teenage boys who are more independent at the same time as I am changing. I am not sure where I want to take my career and care more about fulfilment, balance and feeling part of a community where I can be of value than the aspiration for progression or to be a 'leader' in the 'leadership role in an organisation' sense than my younger self maybe had. Like my kids, I feel like I am finding my feet, exploring a new sense of independence and purpose and that I can, at times, feel a bit lost. So I challenged myself to do something rather than talk about it.
Something for me.
I walked by the sea, read past diaries for inspiration and reflection, met up with a friend who I have not seen for years, ate lovely food and met and had interesting conversations with new people. And I wrote. And I read. And I tried to be at one with the quiet. I didn't always like it but that's ok. I know I like being around other people and I know I like the quiet when I can hear a distant rumbling of life, or the sea, or if I am walking through the woods or in nature. But periods of real silence are few and far between and an adjustment. I missed the family and the general hum of everyone going about their day and my new bestie, our lovely puppy, who is always so excited to see me she does a little excited wee. But I learned that I can be at one with 'me' too and I that I am not bad company. So that is a start and a good place to be.
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